Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.