I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.