It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.