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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs