[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
can’t wait til they legalize outside