20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
seems like a niche market
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”