Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*mops up wine with cat*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
figuring out my emotional availability:
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.