Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.