Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.