BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”