Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL