MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!![]()
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If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.