MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.