Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Seas the day!!!!
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope