It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor