*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
WTF IS THAT!
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*