I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
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midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.