Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.