911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Sharon I have some bad news
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”