Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I falcon love using swear birds
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord