me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My daily affirmation
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
🤣✨#caturday
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.