*eats only grass-fed donuts
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
When news reporters do sports stories
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..