I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Thursday
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
This is my emotional support knife.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
smh
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift