Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person