A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.