Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood