I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%