tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I have two kinds of followers
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.