I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Dance like you’re not the father
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.