If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
#Caturday
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side