Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I just tested negative for patience.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Hitlers gonna hitl
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear