Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?