Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this