Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Not😆🤣
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…