Not😆🤣
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.