I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
May never get over this
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.