My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]