Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…![]()
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.