Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
You Might Also Like
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.