I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
You Might Also Like
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks