you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.