I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Imma just leave this here…………
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation