Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.