What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
😬
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.