One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?