My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Look at this
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer