Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”