“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing