I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Don’t tell me what to do
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.