Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones