Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.