LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’